Moving On and Out, A Dream Deferred

Yes, I’m moving on. I will no longer be blogging in WordPress. I’m moving on to Blogger. This will be my new site. http://iamashadow.blogspot.com/

Why did I decide to move? Mainly because I wanted a change in scenery I guess. I’m random like that. This site will no longer be updated! Go to the new one. If you are one of the people who have me in the blogrolls, add the other site.

On far bigger news, my other site has launched, officially. Yayness and happiness. This is the site that I’ve been working on. http://adreamdeferred.org/ I would like everyone to visit that site as well and added to their blogroll if you already have me on. The Dream Deferred blog is not my operation but a collaborative effort by me and other Dreamers. I hope you enjoy it. Some of the people who have commented here in the past are writers in that blog as well. Anyways, I will be writing for Dream Deferred everyday, hopefully because I am working for the non-profit, Brave New Films. And I will continue to blog for the new Blogger Site. So, that’s what’s going on with me. Go to the new sites!

Manuel Gonzales.

This is the video accompanying the Dream Deferred site.

An undocumented university student view of the world

Well, it’s been over three months since I started writing this blog. I like it. Love to write. I decided that I’m also going to take a break from my own personal writing and just concentrate on blogging. Fortunately, I don’t have any more stories due for my writing class. I’ll get back at writing during the summer, when I have time and energy to devote to writing.

My views of the world have changed slightly, if they have, it has been on the personal front of my life. Life is random I guess. But I’m still a university student. I still have to do work and such, or really, procrastinate and then do work as everyone else does. And I’m still undocumented. Not that I expected that to change in the last 3 months.

My ability to deal with the frustration has been breached because of something that happened with some of the school administrators here. They have the mentality of ‘wait’. For those who personally have never waited, it might be easy to say. For those of us who actively wait, we can’t really do so anymore. Time passes too slowly for us. But the fight must continue on I suppose. Always.

It is getting harder I suppose, to hide the sadness behind the smiles. To hide the dis-functionality behind my supposed normalness. Normalness? I still do well with it I guess, playing video games and such. I have to admit, Super Smash Brothers Brawl is a great game, very fun, but I don’t play as much as I should. Haven’t played it in a couple of days actually. Sometimes things like that seem meaningless in the overall context of things. I’m getting quite tired of the school paper have things about immigration too, most of the comments online seemed to be negative, just like every other paper out there. I mean seriously people, why do all anti-immigrants usually have to have a pissing contest over who can be meaner to immigrants. Get a life people, a girlfriend or something, a Wii if you can find one. They are fun. I’m just getting quite tired of a lot of things. The pretending though, one day is going to get where I won’t be able to pretend or the fact is that, I’ll feel really uncomfortable around some of the things that could be talked about. It is getting harder by the day and it will just continue being like that. But that’s okay right, this is the life I lead and should suck it up.

My undocumented view of the world will still be the same in the years to come, I bet. I hope I’m wrong. I’ve been wrong about some predictions, like me going to college. That was never going to happen according to my predicting abilities and yet here I am. And there are other things I was wrong about. But that view, the undocumented view, can be quite depressing at times unfortunately.

On Censorship…

In my Spanish class, we have been talking about censorship and the like. So, I’ve decided that I will give my opinion on my blog. Why not right? Well, my opinion is that I believe in the total freedom of speech. Total. In order to be a true democracy, a strong one, we have to he be able to tolerate the intolerable. That means we have to tolerate the assholes who are racists and the ones who are calling for the shooting and extermination of undocumented immigrants. That’s fine. I believe in freedom of speech. Sure, go ahead I say, let them talk all they want but as soon as they take any action against a particular group, put their asses in jail.

It is not the prettiest position to put oneself in. After all, there are some really intolerable people out there. I hate them, what they say about me and granted, it is not the healthiest of environments to grow up in. After, being called scum and the like is not good for the self-esteem. It comes wit the territory, it shouldn’t have to but life is not perfect. I don’t wish to censor them though, because that would take out the fun in beating down their ignorant hurtful views.

Censorship is bad obviously; information is the lifeblood of any democracy. The media needs to be unbiased and right, unlike some networks that I could mention that are not. I guess that’s why I like 1984 so much, it is a warning against what could happen if we go down the road of fascism. If this country does take that path, I pack my bags and leave. One thing is to be undocumented and having certain lifestyle impose on you by ignorant people but another thing entirely is to just live in a police state. Thanks but no thanks.

But that’s my opinion in the matter. I guess I should think more about it. I’m just ranting. Big exciting news coming later in the week though, stay tuned…

And of Quotes…

And more quotes, because I like them. Martin Luther King Jr. More to come…
For those who are apathetic.

We will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

“We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the vitriolic words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people.”

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” This is very hard to do, especially for those who are like me.

Apologies

I have to apologize for the apparent lack of posts recently. I have been busy with stuff. Both personal and school. I was not accepted to the advance writing course that I wanted which did not make me happy. I will continue to write though, not on the blogging sense of the word, but short stories. I’m a short story writer and will continue to do so even if other people don’t like what I write. I don’t care. I’ll try to improve during the summer when I have more time. My grammar is just horrible. As for other things, personal life is going well. Lots of hanging out. I went to see a movie recently, 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days. Let me just say that it is about the most realistic movie I’ve seen since No Country for Old Men or Eastern Promises. There was stunned silence at the end of the film and I could understand why. Great film.

There are some projects I’m going to be working on in the future, for school. I haven’t been able to update my other blog as well, I feel like I’m dry with nothing to write about. I don’t know. I’ve hit a slump. Hopefully I’ll be able to overcome it. Anyways, that’s it for me. So again, I’m still alive someplace. Just busy with things.  I’ll try more stuff soon!

Obama Speech

So, I’m late to the party on the Obama speech. Others have said it and now I say it. This speech is awesome. Amazing. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I loved it. Tell me what you think!

Immigration Quote

I like this quote. I believe it to be true.

“It’s as if we expect border control agents to do what a century of communism could not: defeat the natural market forces of supply and demand… and defeat the natural human desire for freedom and opportunity. You might as well as sit in your beach chair and tell the tide not to come in.” - Michael Bloomberg

The line between Privilege and Marginalization…

Oh yes, the line becomes very clear when I’m at home like I was, for the last weekend. On the way back home, my dad and I saw some cops. There was an accident but for my dad and I, those are scary moments. I instantly knew I was no longer at my university. I was back to being what I really, an undocumented person.

I could no longer pretend to not be. I could give up the tiring charade that I put for everyone back to the university. I could give up the acting. That’s all it is, as much as it hurts me to say it. To pretend to be like them when inside I’m on the verge of screaming about how life is not fair. But I don’t do that, I don’t mope in my own damn sadness. Not in front of them, I try my best not to. Nope, I act cheerful and laugh. That’s really all I can do at this situation, laugh. Laugh at the injustice, the slaps in the face, the people saying no to a lot of things. Laugh at my dream deferred.

This job is a lonely one, both at the university and at home. At the university, I carry a psychological solitude and at home it is a physical one, on account that I can’t drive and go places. A psychological one is a heavier burden, because I know I’m not alone, I have a lot of friends but it is not the same. Never will be. It is something I have to live with, with the knowledge that whenever I do come out and say I’m undocumented, I’ll be gone. I’ll be forgotten after the media shitstorm unleashed.

So, in the end as I’ve come to learn, I stand alone in the consequences of my actions. I stand alone in the choices I have to make. I don’t know when I’ll have to make that choice, I almost did recently. But for now, I’ll remain as I have always been, a shadow. I know I will speak out; I have to. I refuse to surrender to a situation I didn’t create. I refuse to back down against the odds, never have, never will. I refuse to go quietly into the night.

The Why of the Dream Act.

I like this video. Sen. Durbin is the man.

A small poll

So, well, here is a picture of my desktop background. A very good friend of mine says it is childish, I don’t believe it to be childish but I want to take a poll. Is the picture on my desktop background childish? And yes, I’m slightly obsessed with video games…

For those who are apathetic…

This quote is for those who are apathetic. I say get up and stand for what you believe in. If I can do it despite all the risks, you can do so too. Do something.

People often say with pride, “I’m not interested in politics.” They might as well say, “I’m not interested in my standard of living, my health, my job, my rights, my freedoms, my future, or any future.”

By Martha Gellhorn.

War Weariness?

“What use is a green card five years from now if I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this? If, by then, I’ll be a bitter, unfeeling excuse for a human being because of my “situation.” Triumph over adversity is great, but there’s only so much adversity one can take before they are broken. Who will pick up the pieces of me then?”

Those are the words from fellow blogger from http://unitedwedream.blogspot.com/ wrote this and I wanted to comment on it.

Broken. I know one day I will reach that point. I don’t know when but I know I will. One day I will get to the day that I get fed up with everything and stop giving a damn. There is only so much anyone can take. Only so many internet insults, so much of this life. My life which I consider a charade in many ways. Not with my close friends but with everyone else I know. Professors, random friends, hall mates, classmates, and others. I have to lie to all of them, I have to keep this image that I’m like them in every way.

No, I didn’t not in fact cross the border illegally. Yes, I can in fact drive. No, I don’t get scared shitless when someone mentions heights, planes, trains and other forms of transportation. Those are the lies that I have to live with every single day. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. Only with my friends I feel better, I feel, free. But it gets especially awkward for me when I’m with mixed friends, by which I mean, some of them know the truth and some don’t. It is a fine line to walk.

This burden is something that is taking a toll on me. It gets tiring a lot easier, lose patience. I think about the future a lot, about what it means and what I will be able to do or not. I think about the relationships I have with people now, and how they will change as I get near towards the end of my schooling. I thought once that I could predict the future to some extent, after all, immigrants don’t really have that many choices. But I was proven wrong in something that I thought was never going to happen, happened this last weekend, and I’m glad I was wrong in that prediction. So the future is unpredictable now more than ever.

I think about this because of the thing that I had with the media. It is not something I’m forgetting. I know the opportunity will rise again, I’m that insane to try to change the situation by talking to the media once more. We shall see.

Hopefully though, I won’t reach the broken state any time soon. I still have the will in me to continue this fight for as long as I’m around. It is a fight worth fighting for, worth sacrificing for. The fight is worth any grief, pain, solitude, and anything else that is thrown at me. Go to hell all of you anti-immigrants, I said it! You will not win, not now and if I don’t continue the fight, I know others who will. This is not over by a long shot.

PS. No, I’m not depressed or sad in any way, shape or form. A little bit stressed over midterms, but that’s it. It would be very strange for me to be unhappy at this moment.

Absence

Sorry about the long absence of posts and me. I will continue to blog. I’ve been busy. School is taking a lot of my time actually. I have midterms, short stories, papers, and whole of other stuff to do. I’ve barely played the Wii, which is a tragedy. I’ve also felt the impact of the randomness of life on my personal life. Let me just say, it’s very unpredictable and surprising, and great. At least it was this time around, can’t count on that all the time though. I’m an immigrant after all and my life is supposed to be sad. Nah, I’m just kidding, or am I…  So, life is great right now though.

I’ve also dealt with the media in the last couple of weeks. I was almost quoted on an article as an undocumented student but unfortunately, I didn’t go through with it. That was not my personal choice, but one I was advised by certain members of the higher administration at my school. It wouldn’t be the first time I turned down an article and it probably won’t be the last. I’ve been dealing with that and the aftermath of it. Some meetings and lots of emailing to all my mentors.

Now I will also be trying to get another person to go to college, she a junior in high school and I was delighted to meet her. There are more of us here in the state which makes me happy.

Anyways, I’m still around. Not dead or anything of the sort. Not yet anyways, those midterms might do the job. Also, I love writing but editing is a bitch. That’s the part I hate the most.

Poem

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

A poem I really like by Langston Hughes. What happens to the dreams of undocumented students…