War Weariness?

“What use is a green card five years from now if I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this? If, by then, I’ll be a bitter, unfeeling excuse for a human being because of my “situation.” Triumph over adversity is great, but there’s only so much adversity one can take before they are broken. Who will pick up the pieces of me then?”

Those are the words from fellow blogger from http://unitedwedream.blogspot.com/ wrote this and I wanted to comment on it.

Broken. I know one day I will reach that point. I don’t know when but I know I will. One day I will get to the day that I get fed up with everything and stop giving a damn. There is only so much anyone can take. Only so many internet insults, so much of this life. My life which I consider a charade in many ways. Not with my close friends but with everyone else I know. Professors, random friends, hall mates, classmates, and others. I have to lie to all of them, I have to keep this image that I’m like them in every way.

No, I didn’t not in fact cross the border illegally. Yes, I can in fact drive. No, I don’t get scared shitless when someone mentions heights, planes, trains and other forms of transportation. Those are the lies that I have to live with every single day. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. Only with my friends I feel better, I feel, free. But it gets especially awkward for me when I’m with mixed friends, by which I mean, some of them know the truth and some don’t. It is a fine line to walk.

This burden is something that is taking a toll on me. It gets tiring a lot easier, lose patience. I think about the future a lot, about what it means and what I will be able to do or not. I think about the relationships I have with people now, and how they will change as I get near towards the end of my schooling. I thought once that I could predict the future to some extent, after all, immigrants don’t really have that many choices. But I was proven wrong in something that I thought was never going to happen, happened this last weekend, and I’m glad I was wrong in that prediction. So the future is unpredictable now more than ever.

I think about this because of the thing that I had with the media. It is not something I’m forgetting. I know the opportunity will rise again, I’m that insane to try to change the situation by talking to the media once more. We shall see.

Hopefully though, I won’t reach the broken state any time soon. I still have the will in me to continue this fight for as long as I’m around. It is a fight worth fighting for, worth sacrificing for. The fight is worth any grief, pain, solitude, and anything else that is thrown at me. Go to hell all of you anti-immigrants, I said it! You will not win, not now and if I don’t continue the fight, I know others who will. This is not over by a long shot.

PS. No, I’m not depressed or sad in any way, shape or form. A little bit stressed over midterms, but that’s it. It would be very strange for me to be unhappy at this moment.

Absence

Sorry about the long absence of posts and me. I will continue to blog. I’ve been busy. School is taking a lot of my time actually. I have midterms, short stories, papers, and whole of other stuff to do. I’ve barely played the Wii, which is a tragedy. I’ve also felt the impact of the randomness of life on my personal life. Let me just say, it’s very unpredictable and surprising, and great. At least it was this time around, can’t count on that all the time though. I’m an immigrant after all and my life is supposed to be sad. Nah, I’m just kidding, or am I…  So, life is great right now though.

I’ve also dealt with the media in the last couple of weeks. I was almost quoted on an article as an undocumented student but unfortunately, I didn’t go through with it. That was not my personal choice, but one I was advised by certain members of the higher administration at my school. It wouldn’t be the first time I turned down an article and it probably won’t be the last. I’ve been dealing with that and the aftermath of it. Some meetings and lots of emailing to all my mentors.

Now I will also be trying to get another person to go to college, she a junior in high school and I was delighted to meet her. There are more of us here in the state which makes me happy.

Anyways, I’m still around. Not dead or anything of the sort. Not yet anyways, those midterms might do the job. Also, I love writing but editing is a bitch. That’s the part I hate the most.