I am a shadow

I often say that my life is a lie. Some people disagree with me. But it is, it really is. While with my friends and girlfriend, it is not as much. It is their lack of understanding about this kind of life that makes them say that. My life is not a lie as it is with most people when I’m around them. I can thank them for that much, for making my existence easier.

As one girl from the video before said, you have to lie to everyone else about it, even joke about undocumented students and condemn them, in order to fit in. In order to let anyone suspect what you are. You can’t let people even suspect that you are one of the ‘other’. I’ve done so in the past. That is when it becomes obvious that I’m living a lie.

I have to ‘act’ almost all the time. 24/7. Keep up the charade. Not just on regards on being like everyone else, saying I’m legal and such, but also on regards to keeping my feelings in check. That means that when I’m depressed, I don’t act like it. I can’t. I don’t want people to see me and know and talk to me when I’m like that. So, the acting is a full-time gig.

But I’ve failed as an actor. Not totally failed but for someone in my situation, this kinds of failures could lead me to be in great trouble. The last slip-up was with my girlfriend. Or rather, before she became my girlfriend, she suspected that I was what I am. I was too emotional when I spoke about immigration and personalized the problem too much. But how could I not be personal when this is my life, all of this. It is taking a greater toll on me, this acting and I’m not able to do as easily as I did in the past. My failure showed me that. I have to get better, I have to continue the charade as best as I can. Hopefully this summer is helping me recharge for the coming school year because it will be challenging. I will have a new roommate, one that doesn’t know about my situation. With him, I’m not undocumented, I’m not living in fear, I’m not depressed, I’m not a blogger, I’m not everything I am. Hopefully things will go well.

So, lying is a way of life with me. It can’t be helped. By being honest I could lose everything. And for those who don’t understand that, well, I just hope you never have to be in my shoes.