Good Days February 16, 2009
Posted by iamashadow in Dream Act, Immigration, Latinos, education, human rights, illegal immigrants, illegal immigration, immigrants, justice, life, news, politics, undocumented student, undocumented students.9 comments
There are the bad days, and there are good days. Today is a good day, mainly because there are good news to spread.
It always makes me happy when one of us makes it. As the case with Juan Hernandez-Campos, who has a $50,000 scholarship for Harvard. That’s pretty good, makes my scholarship look small. Congratulations to Juan, I’m glad you made it!
Crash and Burn February 15, 2009
Posted by iamashadow in anxiety, depression, fear, friends, friendship, life, opinion, people, personal, school, sleep, thoughts, undocumented student, undocumented students, writing.Tags: college, illegal immigration, myself, personal, undocumented students
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I broke down. Publicly.
This past week wasn’t a good one. There was the problem with my roommate and the electricity in my room. That took a couple of days to solve. There were problems with 2 friends of mine, over friendships. The showers in my dorm didn’t work for the beginning of the week. And finally, a flashdrive of mine is lost. This tiny flashdrive contained my life. It had my novel, half of the second one, about 30 short stories and more importantly, stories about me. Stories that say I’m an undocumented student at my university. And that just freaks me out, I’ve been having the constant nightmare of the contents of said flashdrive appearing on the school paper because some person decides that me being kicked out is good for the school.
Needless to say, I haven’t slept much in the last couple of days. About 3 to 5 hours every night since Wednesday. And I finally snapped on Friday, when I saw the maintenance people in my room trying to fix the electricity. After they left, I just took a nap. An hour long nap. I felt exhausted. I still feel like that actually. When I woke up, I got a call from friends, to hang out, and go to dinner and a show. A friend of mine was visiting, for the last time before she goes to New Zealand to study abroad. I told them no, if I went to the show I wouldn’t enjoy myself. But the truth was that I snapped. I didn’t think I would be able to hold it together in an environment where people were enjoying themselves and I would feel like utter shit. I can act very well with people, pretending to be fine, but even I have limits and it seemed that I finally reached mine.
So, I decided to spend my time alone. I was going to go to the local bagel place when as soon I stepped out of my dorm, I see 2 of my friends, both of which I care for a lot and one of them is the one going away. I basically said to myself, oh crap. I turned around and fled back to my room. As soon as they were away, I went out again, going to the bagel place to eat. The guilt starts eating me alive, I felt like a terrible shitty friend for just turning back on them and fleeing. I contact them, and decide to visit them at their dorm after I had finished eating.
And I went. I apologized to them. One of them approaches to hug me and I basically lose it. I crashed. I always wear a hat and this time I had to use it to cover my face. I felt like a terrible friend for turning back on them, I felt like shit over what happened in the past week. And I couldn’t control my emotions. Therefore, I lost it. I felt embarrassed because that had never happened before.
For the rest of Friday, I spent it alone. I only texted my friends for the most part, because I knew I would feel worse if I asked for their company. I don’t like en-burdening people with my problems, even if they tell me otherwise, my own guilt would kill me. I got see them later in the night, but they were going to sleep, so I left. I didn’t go to sleep until 6 in the morning of Saturday.
I’ve basically lost it on the rest of Saturday too. Every time I have been alone, I’ve been basically broken, drowning in my own despair because I feel really bad. I have been broken for a long time, now it just seems to be visible. Most of the time I’ve been able to hide my feelings, never breaking down in front of people, but for some reason, I did this time. And I can’t seem to be able to get on my feet and in control of my emotions.
I have lost everything in my flashdrive. I haven’t had much sleep. It was a shitty week. I still feel like shit though, that hasn’t changed. And I feel lonely. Everything seems to be falling apart. I haven’t touched my console games in days now. And I don’t think I’ll be getting any sleep any time soon. I can’t continue to live like this. I just can’t. The uncertainty, the loneliness, the despair, the depression, the nightmares. It’s killing me. I hope to recover my composure in the coming week, it seems that’s the best I can hope for. That way, I can go on telling people that I played video games and did my work and had an otherwise super enjoyable weekend, because that’s what I do.
And to the friend who spent most of her Saturday with me, thank you keeping me company, god knows I needed it. Also, thank you for being understanding, you and soon to be gone to New Zealand friend. Thank you. Really, you guys are amazing.
Roommates February 12, 2009
Posted by iamashadow in America, Americans, college, depression, life, personal, scary shit, school, thoughts.2 comments
This post might be filled with profanity. I’m angry, very, very angry.
There is something very wrong with my roommate. Okay, so, at the beginning of the year, my roommate tells me that his electrical outlets are not working. I say to call the people who will fix the problem, they are usually good about it. He says he does. But apparently, his outlets once again stopped working. This time he doesn’t tell me about it. Now, my side of the room is not affected so he uses an extension cord and we are reduced to using my side of the room. That is having a microwave, a fridge, an HD-TV, an Xbox 360, a Wii, a Playstation 2, a Wii remote charger, 2 computer chargers, 2 phone chargers, and his lamp. Unfortunately, he doing this brought all the outlets down.
I started to look at my outlets and notice for the first time, his extension cord. I look at his side of the room, and lo and behold, he is not using any of his outlets. I go basically, What the fuck?! Of course the entire room will go down if you are just using one side of the room. I get pissed, really pissed. I call the problem in, and thankfully, everything was fixed in the same day. The maintenance guy tells proves my suspicions correct, using everything on one side of the room can bring down the entire room. Also, you know what the maintenance guy said about your pig sty, DAMN!
I confronted my roommate later that night. I ask him. When your outlets stopped working, first, why didn’t you tell me since I live in the room. And second, why didn’t you call maintenance? He literally answered the following. I don’t know. I have an 8 o’clock. I’m busy. And finally, I didn’t care. I answered back, dumbfounded, how is it that you don’t care? Did he fucking think that he could get away with just using my side of the room? What the fuck were we going to say at the end of the year when we are checking out? What would have happened if the problem is bigger and we are blamed for fucking negligence? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!
The problem with the outlets is a big one. All the maintenance person did was flip the breakers or something, and power came back, the AC started working and my side of the room seems to be fine. His side of the room unfortunately short circuited again and therefore the problem is a big one with the outlets themselves. I will call maintenance, because you know what, fuck his class and fuck him for being busy, it takes less than ONE fucking minute to email them. I’ve done it for god sakes.
I can be irresponsible on certain matters, one of my bigger flaws is returning stuff late, like movies and DVDs, and forgetting about stuff sometimes. I can be lazy as well. But I’ve never seen this kind of level of just pure laziness and irresponsibility and just pure apathy. Let me tell you, if you are going to be like this for the rest of your life, good fucking luck, and as a friend of mine said about you, you’re fucking pathetic. Fuck you roommate and go to fucking hell. God knows I would love to kick your irresponsible ass but I won’t, I know violence is not the answer. But still, fuck you! I’ll be happy next year when I don’t have to deal with you!
In Line… February 6, 2009
Posted by iamashadow in Dream Act, Immigration, dehumanization, deportation, depression, discrimination, fear, fight, hopes, human rights, illegal immigrants, illegal immigration, life, opinion, personal, politics, thoughts, undocumented student, undocumented students.Tags: illegal immigration, immigrants, Immigration, racial profiling, undocumented students
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Well, here is the story of people who got in line so that they could become legalized. And yet what happens, they get deported. So much for getting in line eh.
Oh yes. A family from Peru, trying to escape the violence of the Shining Path guerrillas, decided to come to the US. Now, after 6 of waiting for the case to even be heard, they get denied. They arrived in 1990. They are told to leave in 2002. Those are 12 years. That’s a life. That’s adaptation. That’s a lot of taxes those people paid.
And that’s why they didn’t leave. They stayed, never letting the kids, like Gisell Torres, know that she was here illegally. The family has a kid who is 17, now basically orphaned because he was born here and can’t be deported. They already deported another one of the kids, Milagros, who is married to a US soldier stationed in Iraq.
Seriously, people who are against actual good immigration laws say that they law is the law but come on, that is a low blow. She is married to someone who is fighting for this country. What kind of reward is that? “Oh yeah, thank you for all the sacrifices that you have made and when you get back home, you won’t find your wife because we deported her.” What the hell, I mean, really.
Now, Gisell is in the Dean’s list at Rutgers and you want to deport her? I thought the US liked professionals! *sigh* These types of cases piss me off, because immigration law requires more than just a black and white world. More like shades of gray so that people like Gisell and her family who are trying to make themselves legal don’t end up being screwed. I can only imagine what will happen to me if I ever were to go forward with my identity. Actually, I would rather not think those kinds of thoughts. *shudder*
Read more about the case in the following link.
Battlestar Galactica February 5, 2009
Posted by iamashadow in TV, fiction, heroes, history, trailers, videos, youtube.add a comment
Well, I don’t want to post something negative at the moment. Therefore I will post about something that I really, really like. Battlestar Galactica. The best show on television, bar none. Seriously. This is the best of the best. I highly recommend it. Right now I’m doing my best to catch up to the current episodes but with the work I have, it is proving hard. But anyway, go out, see it online or buy the DVDs. The series is coming to an end this year, it is airing it’s last season at this moment but I still suggest to go back to the beginning. Also, just because it is sci-fi and on the Sci-fi channel doesn’t mean that it will suck, it doesn’t, at all. Anyway, it wouldn’t make sense to watch it now at season 4, but it is amazing. Edward James Olmos and Mary McDonnell are amazing performers on this show, it is unbelievable. You won’t be disappointed. GO! Get them!
The Miniseries trailer.
Season 1 trailer.
Illegal Immigrants! Food! February 5, 2009
Posted by iamashadow in Immigration, Italy, dehumanization, discrimination, food, human rights, illegal immigrants, illegal immigration, life, personal, politics, thoughts, tragedy, undocumented student, undocumented students.Tags: food, illegal immigration, immigrants, Immigration, Italy
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Well, this isn’t from the US, but it is about immigration. Immigration in Italy. According to their government, in order to protect their heritage in food, as I quote now.
Luca Zaia, the Minister of Agriculture and a member of the Northern League from the Veneto region, applauded the authorities in Lucca and Milan for cracking down on nonItalian food. “We stand for tradition and the safeguarding of our culture,” he said.
Mr Zaia said that those ethnic restaurants allowed to operate “whether they serve kebabs, sushi or Chinese food” should “stop importing container loads of meat and fish from who knows where” and use only Italian ingredients.
And so the histeria of immigration reaches historic heights as now food is banned in countries. I really hope the US doesn’t try this, I really like Chinese and Indian food.
Paranoia February 4, 2009
Posted by iamashadow in dehumanization, depression, life, medication, personal, psychologist, school, therapy, thoughts, undocumented student, undocumented students.Tags: college, medication, psychologist, therapy, undocumented students
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Paranoia is something that I have. Something that I live with. It just comes with the territory I suppose. I went to my doctor today and she asked me whether I had been feeling paranoid about stuff lately. Well, I said yes, there was instance a couple of weeks ago where I did feel paranoid, but she said that it was alright to be paranoid. She meant if I had feelings of crazy paranoia. I told her that I don’t think I did. Again, this makes me laugh in the inside.
I had a very bad experience a couple of weeks ago, which led me to not want to write. I might blog about it later. I got my prescrition today, which means that I’ll be getting back on anti-depressants tomorrow. Hopefully they will help me with how I’m feeling, which isn’t that well.
On other things, I’ve been reading The Love of the Last Tycoon by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Good book but unfortunately, it is not finished. The professor told us that he was a classic case of someone being appreciated much later after they died. I’m not going to dispute that, but I feel bad that we shouldn’t have read the book because it has no ending. Sort of troubles me, I like endings, even ambigious endings at that The book can be described as talking about an era that is long gone. The Hollywood in the book is not the same that is up and running today, so, it is kind of strange to read it from that perspective. It reminds me a lot of the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit, because that also deals with Hollywood, albeit in a different from and from an animation perspective.
The same professor who assigned that book also wants me to speak to her on regards to grammar. I *suck* at grammar. I just do. Despite everything I’ve written and read, I still do. I really try my best though. Kind of ironic, like a lot of things in my life, that I’m an English major who can’t really do grammar. Such is life I suppose.
Hate Crimes February 4, 2009
Posted by iamashadow in Immigration, dehumanization, depression, discrimination, fear, fight, hate, hate crimes, human rights, illegal immigrants, illegal immigration, immigrants, life, opinion, personal, picture, politics, racial discrimination, racial profiling, thoughts, undocumented student, undocumented students.Tags: illegal immigration, immigrants, Immigration, racial profiling
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And they continue. Now, once again, another person was beaten because of the simple fact that he was Latino. 5 African-Americans decided to beat up Wilter Sánchez, and the beating was so bad that he know requires reconstructive surgery.
I’m sure stuff like this happens in a daily basis in every part of the country. Many don’t get media attention because fear drives us not say anything, fear of being deported. I know I wouldn’t, because I know longer live in a place I could consider safe. But alas, that’s the way life goes I suppose. I really don’t know what else to say about the matter but again, hope that things change.
Follow the link to read more about the assault.
Speaking Spanish=Dangerous February 4, 2009
Posted by iamashadow in America, Americans, Immigration, Spanish, dehumanization, depression, discrimination, fear, hate, hate crimes, human rights, ideas, illegal immigrants, illegal immigration, immigrants, life, personal, politics, thoughts, undocumented student, undocumented students.Tags: illegal immigration, immigrants, Immigration, racial profiling
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Ah, yes, for those of us who speak Spanish. Be careful on who is around you. If you are with the wrong crowd, they might consider you to be unpatriotic and will bea the living s**t out of you.
That happened to the man in the following article. He was speaking on his cellphone and then someone who didn’t like the fact that the Latino man was speaking Spanish decided to take matters into his own hands. Now, I don’t understand how a man who spoke Spanish was a threat to America, more than anyone who doesn’t speak English right is also a threat. Maybe that came out wrong though, I don’t know. I wonder if something like that could happen to me, probably, since I speak Spanish on the phone to my parents. Oh, the irony of that would be that I’m an English major and that I can probably write better than most people.
Alas, the hate crime wave continues. Read more here.
Some Opinions February 3, 2009
Posted by iamashadow in Immigration, dehumanization, deportation, depression, discrimination, human rights, illegal immigrants, illegal immigration, life, opinion, personal, politics, quote, quote of the day, quotes, race, racial discrimination, racial profiling, racism, thoughts, undocumented student, undocumented students.Tags: illegal immigration, immigrants, Immigration, life, racial profiling
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Some opinions are just wrong. Why? Because they are. The following link leads to an article that is positive about immigration, but someone decided to make a comment on it. I won’t post the entire comment but something that caught my eye.
An effective strategy would be to start up in northwest Washington State. Raid businesses known to hire illegal aliens and begin prosecutions against those hiring them while jailing the illegal aliens. Two or three hundred acre enclosures could be fenced in to warehouse the illegals. They should be fed coarse foods during their incarceration and provided minimal shelter. No hurry should be made in prosecuting the illegal aliens.
I see that according to this person, we don’t even deserve humane treatment. I mean, really, why should we receive it. We are the ‘other’ after all. And the ‘other’ don’t matter. Kind of like what happened in 30s and 40s in this country in Europe, where they did something along those lines, I think you remember and therefore don’t need to explain myself. I love the Internet because it can be informative and just plain fun at times, but because of the mask of anonymity, it allows the worse of humanity to come out. People like that commenter.
Bus Stops and Immigration February 3, 2009
Posted by iamashadow in Immigration, dehumanization, deportation, depression, discrimination, education, fear, human rights, illegal immigrants, illegal immigration, life, politics, scary shit, school, thoughts, tragedy, undocumented student, undocumented students.Tags: illegal immigration, immigrants, Immigration, life, racial profiling, undocumented students
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I read this piece earlier but I’m reporting on it. It seems that in the town of Thermal, some parents were detained, at a school bus stop. How low can one get? I mean, really, is it not enough to deport the parents but also traumatize kids in the process.
I don’t like immigration being mixed with schools. It is not right. Deporting people, that’s one thing, but hurting kids is quite another. I don’t understand what is there to gain from this, but to spread fear through the community in hopes of driving people away.
A friend of mine asked me how is it that after reading those type of news I don’t hate the world? Because I know the entire world isn’t like that. Or I hope it is not. And hopefully, that’s not too much to hope for.
Read more on the following link.
News February 2, 2009
Posted by iamashadow in college, depression, life, medication, personal, psychologist, therapy, thoughts, undocumented student, undocumented students.Tags: college, medication, psychologist, therapy, undocumented students
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And so I’m back, for good this time. After I received my laptop back from the university, they replaced the system board. Well, unfortunately, my Internet access was reset so I couldn’t log into the school network. That just annoyed me and stopped me from properly writing a post. After that, I just decided to not write anything until this week started.
And so it has, and here I am, writing again. What is there to write about? Well, my personal life has never really been that good. Outside of my immigration status, I’m also dealing with classes and other personal problems that involve parents and friends. I’ve been depressed over a lot of matters and some bad decisions that I took in the past are now coming back to haunt me. Hell, sometimes I think that I’m a real masochist with some of the decisions that I make.
One decision that I did take recently and will take effect this coming Wednesday, I’ll be going back to taking medication. Anti-depressants to be exact. I used to take them some time ago, but at the time I was really happy so I decided to stop taking them. I felt okay, but it was a foolish decision on my part, knowing that happy times could always come to an end. Today, I’m at a different place than I was couple of months ago and so, medication seems like a good idea. Sometimes it is better to have everything be blurred than to face everything I’m facing with full emotions.
Along with medication, I’m also going back to therapy. Talking to professionals is good sometimes as well.
Aside from my laptop breaking down for a week, my iPod also broke down and decided to get a new one. Well, my old iPod then decided to come back to life and now I have 2 fully functional iPods. I feel bad over spending that money, but oh well. I also now have the latest Guitar Hero and have been enjoying it, whenever it is that I get to play it.
Classes are fine and interesting. Lots and lots of reading though, it never ends.
And so, that’s where I stand. I took a few days off because I just couldn’t deal with things. But now, I’m getting better, and will be in the future. More immigration related stuff in the future, like, tomorrow or maybe later in the day.
