I am a shadow

It has been a year since George Carlin passed away from this world. I’ve always wanted to see him perform but it never came to be. I hope he is somewhere, laughing his ass off. Here are some quotes from his work, and yes, I posted them a year ago but really, can you get any better than this?

I’ll be putting quotes from George Carlin, he was one of the best. Again, RIP George Carlin. Once again I say, the world has become less funny without you.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would’ve made our arms shorter.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.