I am a shadow

This year, I’ve lost out on two friendships. One because well, the other person didn’t really understand me and I came to felt as if that person didn’t care about me in the same way as I did about her. It was a, I give relationship, but she never giving anything. I don’t know. It was weird. She called me a “happy cheerful person” which really bothered me at the time, considering that ANYONE who knows me knows that I’m anything but that.

And I lost out on another friendship. It was a difficult friendships, that deteriorated with time. I would hurt her, she would hurt me. And like the first friendship, I took my steps to just end it. In the first friendship, the other person had no say whatsoever, she just let go, on this second friendship, my friend objected. But I’ve decided to move ahead and just step away.

Over the summer, there was a major break in the friendship, my fault, and it wasn’t something I wanted to be permanent, I just wanted some time for myself to figure stuff out. And I did, and I thought I was better for it, but when I wanted to resume the friendship, she said no. I figure that was it, but then she talks to me, which I found incredibly odd. Afterwards, the shit the fan with me, and one of my friends committed suicide. She offered help, to talk, despite already telling me that she didn’t want anything to do with me, more or less, and I actually decided to accept her help. I mean, dealing with suicide, you accept all the help you can get. And then something happened, she basically took that offered back, she didn’t want to talk to me, she told me she uncomfortable. I was incredibly angry and incredibly hurt, more so than I had been in a long time with one of my friends, which didn’t help my mood at the time since it was quite recent after my friend’s suicide. I told my friends about it, and they were shocked, they all thought it was an incredibly shitty thing to do, some of them even wanted to say something to her, something not very nice, and considering the circumstances that I was under, if it had been someone else, I would do the same thing. Later on, I told them, that I let it go and that if they saw her around campus, no need to give her dirty looks or what have you. She tells me that I took badly, that I misunderstood what she offered, and well, at the time that’s how I understood it and hell, I still understand it like that. Different points of view, specially if someone has just died and you are distraught.

And afterwards, I have continued to hear the same message, which was, I don’t want to be close to you. Talking to you might backfire on me. I don’t want to be there for support. I somewhat don’t want to read your emails about what is happening. So, I being me, decided that I don’t want to have anything to do with her. Not because it makes me angry, it is just for my own sanity, I get easily confused when I see her and she is friendly with me. I don’t get it. If I make someone uncomfortable, that person usually avoids me. I’ve been thinking about leaving and she objects to the idea, which I find odd, considering that well, we don’t see each other, she doesn’t want to be part of anything with me, and yet wants me to stick around. She says she cares, and I don’t doubt it, but at the same time, her actions have caused a world of hurt for me. And I’m pretty sure I have done the same to her in the past.

I don’t know how she expected me to treat her. What she expected me to talk about, considering that my life is very complicated at the moment with the whole semester theme of people dying around me. Just yesterday, I had a very bad conversation with someone and will probably be entering self isolation mode for a couple days or even weeks from all my friends. I look to my friends for support now, just like people have looked to me for it, and I just felt that if she doesn’t want to be there for that, then hell, let’s end it. It isn’t because I want to use her or use my friends but for people who know everything, I just don’t know, I just don’t want to act around them. She wasn’t happy about it, and I’m not either, but I feel that I have to do this, because well, what else am I going to say. I asked her to ignore me. To pretend I don’t exist. It hurts me, it isn’t something I want to do, I still care about her, cared enough about her to let her know of another situation she was facing behind her back. But it is fine with me to do this, even if indifference is the worst thing you can do to someone, I guess I’ll be fine with it considering I’m asking for it. And it doesn’t matter anyway, I’m not going to see her that much, even if we are in the same campus. I’ve let go of one of something important to me partially because of this, and there was something else that I keep getting invited to that I will never do, never setting foot in that place ever again, but oh well, that’s how things go.

I tried to explain my reasoning as to why I’m doing this, which is something I always try to do, explain myself, something that she at various times hasn’t done with me, which has come to bother me a lot. She told me she can’t find the words to let me know what’s going, so I’ll have to go with that. She probably will say I’m misinterpreting things, as always, but well, when you hear that you someone is uncomfortable around you, doesn’t want to be near you, and the like, what else am I suppose to do. It hurts to hear that, I feel like a bad person and I probably am, so might as well, just not even deal with it. As much as it hurts and sucks, I would rather be ignored to be hearing that and knowing that. Denial. Self-imposed ignorance. Call it what you like.

I don’t know if she will read this, probably will, and I hope she doesn’t think that I’m letting everyone know about what is going on, I’m not. People who know me don’t read this blog, and I have a rather easy to know that so I truthfully do know that. I’m not like some of the people who knew her and are now spreading very nasty rumors about her, or want to anyway if they aren’t doing it. Will my friends know that I’m no longer speaking to her, sure, they will know but I won’t be saying why.

So, that’s how things go, with friendships. I’ve been having other problems with other friends, other stories, and I’ll probably write about them in the future. But so far, it has been a bad year in regards to friendships, losing 2 of them completely and who knows, the year isn’t even over yet. I didn’t want lose them and yet I’m the one taking the decision to not see them, I’m a paradox, as always.

MG

PS. More immigration news coming after this.