Fear of Being What We Are

Well, that is what it has come down to. Once again, in North Carolina. Again, I feel sorry for undocumented people living in this state. I’m glad I’m not there but I highly doubt my state is any better.

Anyway, it seems that Hispanic leaders have to be afraid because they are pro-immigrant. They have received the usual, profanity filled messages, hate messages, among others, I’ve received the same treatment. But now, they’ve received death threats. I mean, wow, how far are people willing to go.

This is from the News and Observer.

“This is not about immigration,” Bazán said. “This is not about debating policy. This has moved on to another sphere. This is hate.”

Rep. Pricey Harrison, a Greensboro Democrat who sponsored the bill (in-state tuition for undocumented students bill), said she received one phone message warning that “my days are numbered.” She said the message, which included profane insults, felt like a threat.

“I have not seen anything like what illegal immigration elicits,” Harrison said. “It’s revealing a very ugly side of humanity that I’ve never seen before.”

“When you describe immigrants as Third World invaders or murderers, or say that they are swarming or coming in hordes, this is dehumanizing language,” Lauter said. “That kind of rhetoric inspires others who might act out on hate.”

How low does this country have to go before things get better?

Of course, the comment section of the newspaper has comments like the following.

From Stonewall83.

Plain and simple get rid of those mexicans. We don’t need them. This is a country founded on wonderful anglosaxon traditions. Anything contrary is plain unamerican. Get out mexicans!

Buzzaw

People are sick and tired of non whites telling whites to conform to their cultures. This country was intended to be a european only country. Since we have strayed away from that, we have been on a sharp decline.

And I saw other recognizible names from an anti-immigrant website that I won’t mention, which leads me to believe that the rest of the comments are no better. It is sad that this is the norm. But at least we are not being killed on the streets–oh, wait.

Life as a Lie

I often say that my life is a lie. Some people disagree with me. But it is, it really is. While with my friends and girlfriend, it is not as much. It is their lack of understanding about this kind of life that makes them say that. My life is not a lie as it is with most people when I’m around them. I can thank them for that much, for making my existence easier.

As one girl from the video before said, you have to lie to everyone else about it, even joke about undocumented students and condemn them, in order to fit in. In order to let anyone suspect what you are. You can’t let people even suspect that you are one of the ‘other’. I’ve done so in the past. That is when it becomes obvious that I’m living a lie.

I have to ‘act’ almost all the time. 24/7. Keep up the charade. Not just on regards on being like everyone else, saying I’m legal and such, but also on regards to keeping my feelings in check. That means that when I’m depressed, I don’t act like it. I can’t. I don’t want people to see me and know and talk to me when I’m like that. So, the acting is a full-time gig.

But I’ve failed as an actor. Not totally failed but for someone in my situation, this kinds of failures could lead me to be in great trouble. The last slip-up was with my girlfriend. Or rather, before she became my girlfriend, she suspected that I was what I am. I was too emotional when I spoke about immigration and personalized the problem too much. But how could I not be personal when this is my life, all of this. It is taking a greater toll on me, this acting and I’m not able to do as easily as I did in the past. My failure showed me that. I have to get better, I have to continue the charade as best as I can. Hopefully this summer is helping me recharge for the coming school year because it will be challenging. I will have a new roommate, one that doesn’t know about my situation. With him, I’m not undocumented, I’m not living in fear, I’m not depressed, I’m not a blogger, I’m not everything I am. Hopefully things will go well.

So, lying is a way of life with me. It can’t be helped. By being honest I could lose everything. And for those who don’t understand that, well, I just hope you never have to be in my shoes.

Dream Act Students

Another great video. Must watch.

About those opportunities…

Well, the following is written by Elrandomhero over at his blog, American Wetback. I advice everyone to read it, it is really cool. So, I decided to re-post his entry on my blog because he and I share the same feelings on regards to opportunities. Read on…

In the last few days I have been contemplating something that I shouldn’t be and that’s passing on an internship. Without getting into any incriminating details, I basically passed on an internship opportunity this week because it means putting my self at risk. Again without getting into too much detail, the government has way of knowing everything you do in your life, whether you want them to know or not. Taking on this paid internship would have meant doing things that I shouldn’t be doing in the first place. I am not a legal U.S. resident , thus I cannot legally work or apply for internships that pay. Obviously I have considered the chance that I might still be able to be part of the internship without pay, but I need to focus on other things, despite again passing up such a great opportunity. This is not the first nor the last time I will have to make a decision like this. I have turned down many a job because of my legal status and every time I go through this stupid cycle of semi-depression. Every time I get my hopes up thinking that this time around they’re be some way for me to be able to take on a better paying job, I get denied. I’ve done it so many times now that it has sadly become a routine. People see the type of person I am and want to help me, but what good is that help if the U.S. says I don’t qualify for that help because of my illegal residence. The depression use to be a lot worse a year ago. Ohh man when I got frustrated back then about work, life and my x-girl I would go outside and punch walls till my knuckles bleed. Now adays I just pretend like everything is cool, when in reality I’m still dealing with what happened inside my head. Sometimes all that thinking makes me hungry for junk food that’ll only make me fatter. Passing by on great opportunities is part of my daily life. I don’t get excited about anything anymore really. Why should when I know that I’ll be denied and tossed to the side. I know that there are internships that don’t ask for the things that I lack, but those are hard to come by and sought after, just like scholarships. I know that it’s not impossible to make it because others have and sometimes I look to those who came before me for inspiration. Then again they had the support of family and friends. I on the other hand am grateful and extremely lucky to have the friends that I have, but at the end of the day it’s just me and my dog against the world. That’s what I’m reminded of when I have to turn down great opportunities, it’s me against the world. Somedays I even feel like going to sleep and never waking up ever again. Course those are the days when I’m depressed or bummed out, kinda like today.

Thanks again Randomhero for allowing me to repost this entry.

Past, Present and Future

This picture alone says so many things about immigration…

It comes from the following site.

Lack of Understanding?

I was recently asked a question about my relationship with my girlfriend. Is my immigration status a hindrance  of sorts? Is she capable of understanding what I go through?

I answered that no one is capable of understanding what I go through, she is no exception. Only people like myself can understand what it is to live like this. I don’t care about her any less because of her lack of understanding though. Nor do I resent any of my friends who know what I am because they don’t understand. It is a fact of life I have to live with, one I’m accustomed now going towards my third year of college. Aside from 2 others individuals, no one out of 17,000 students is like me. If I wanted friends who would understand me completely, than I wouldn’t have any, let alone someone to date. That is what makes one feel alone, but you know, I’ve learned to live with it. Pain and solitude hurt, but giving up and quitting lasts forever.

I also understand that my friends go through things that I probably don’t understand, mainly because I’m so far away from the norm in many ways. I try my best as I’m sure they try their best to understand me, the street goes both ways to some extent.

So, is my relationship harder or a hindrance or bad in comparison to other multiracial relationships where documentation is not an issue? I would wager that it is not, it just has different worries with different solutions. I’m glad that I was able to find someone who is kind and understanding to the best of her abilities. One of the perks of my relationship is that I’m able to tease her about being so very unpatriotic because she is dating me. We get good laughs out of that.

Video Game Quote

This was written by Tycho of Penny Arcade last Wednesday. It is true and sad if you are a Nintendo fan. God, I hate irony. Where is the next Zelda damn it????

“This is the deep-dish, delicious irony endured by the Nintendo stalwart: to see their platform of choice ascendant, even as their bright God turns his face away.”

Press 1 for English

You know, it really bothers me that Spanish is seen as a threat. I mean, I would have thought that being bilingual is good. But now, thanks to the immigration debate, knowing something other than English is seen as unpatriotic. I don’t understand it. I mean, no one, and I mean no one, is asking the American people to learn another language. They want new immigrants to learn English, that’s fine.

But give them a break, I mean, newcomer kids like myself do learn English. I’m in college for God’s sake. Adults, like my parents, they can’t learn as easily. It is harder for an adult to learn a new language, and they work 40 hour jobs which takes away their time and energy.

So, why does it bother people that others are speaking Spanish. I mean, it is not undermining the American sovereignty. I would like to know more than 2 languages but I think that my time in learning languages is coming to an end. Oh well, at least I’ll have a better chance in understanding people than monolingual people.

In Limbo

Wow, talk about being stuck in limbo and then some. I have the unique advantage of people not knowing my location and such, I keep a low profile. I mean, I could go out and party and such, make a disgrace of myself but I choose not to, I think it is the smarter move. Anyway, back to the point, this kid who goes by the name of Arthur Mkoyan is stuck in the limbo from hell.

He graduated with a 4.0 GPA, probably higher than most of his American-born peers, and a letter of admission to UC Davis. So, that would be good right. Well, no, he is an undocumented immigrant from Armenia. But wait you say, I thought all undocumented immigrants were stinky Mexicans. No, you are wrong, epic fail.

So, why is the kid an undocumented immigrant. His father made the choice of emigrating to the US bringing his wife and kid, Arthur, at the age of 1. So, now, after a 16 year process that didn’t give the family assylum, they are supposed to be deported. Apparently having your house burned down and shop they owned getting ransacked aren’t valid enough reasons to flee your country and seek asylum elsewhere.

Well, now, here we are 16 years later and Arthur is stuck in limbo. He wants to continue his education but that has become doubtful considering he is undocumented. So, here we have a kid who would probably do well in life, his life in the US, but can’t because of the mistakes of others. Are you going to ask him to leave to a place where he has never been? Is that fair? And I thought I had it bad. I still can’t believe things like this could happen in this country but I guess I was wrong.

Read more about Arthur and his family’s story in the following article.

Umm…if only there was a piece of legislation that would allow his DREAMs to come true. Nah, I’m sure there isn’t one, no wait–

A Couragous Stand

Well, this is not about immigration but I’m going to blog about it anyways. It is kind of old too but I’m glad that some people do have b***s. The past 4th of July, the man known as Jesse Helms died. As far as I’ve been told and now read, he was one the most racist and homophobic individuals to ever wield power in this country. Seriously, to the people of NC, what the hell where you thinking in electing this guy? So much hate, destruction, it’s ridiculous and embarrassing. You people should be ashamed. Here are some of the quotes from the illustrious man himself.

“The New York Times and Washington Post are both infested with homosexuals themselves. Just about every person down there is a homosexual or lesbian.”
– 1995

“The University of Negroes and Communists”
– Reference to the University of North Carolina devised by Mr. Helms when he worked for Willis Smith’s 1950 U.S. Senate campaign.

“Your tax dollars are being used to pay for grade-school classes that teach our children that CANNIBALISM, WIFE-SWAPPING and MURDER of infants and the elderly are acceptable behavior.”
– Fund raising mailer, 1996

“All Latins are volatile people. Hence, I was not surprised at the volatile reaction.”
– After Mexicans protested his visit in 1986

“Homosexuals are weak, morally sick wretches.”
– 1995 radio broadcast

“She’s a damn lesbian. I am not going to put a lesbian in a position like that. If you want to call me a bigot, fine.”
– Explaining why he was opposing the appointment of a woman for a cabinet post.

“They should ask their parents if it would be all right for their son or daughter to marry a Negro.”
– In response to Duke University students holding a vigil after Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated, 1968

Anyways, back to the point. I read this article over at Alternet and decided to share it here. So, the governor of NC, Gov. Easley decided that all flags should fly half-staff in order to honor the memory of their dead ex-senator. One man said no. It was L.F. Eason, a 29-year veteran of the North Carolina Department of Agriculture. This is what he had to say about his choice.

“This is in no way a political decision. I simply do not feel it is appropriate to honor a person whose epitaph of government service was to have voted against or blocked every civil rights issue that came before the US Congress. His doctrine of negativity, hate, and prejudice cost North Carolina and our Nation much that we may never regain.”

All I can say is bravo good man, bravo. The man had to retire early from his post because of his decision Now, I say honor goes to the men who earned it. In my opinion, Jesse Helms didn’t earn any honor.

Ban on Immigrants

Well, now, this is insulting and unnecessary. I mean, has it really come to this. I guess so. Well, the following article from the city of Freemont says that now you have to have a license in order to live anywhere. I guess they finally found a way banish us. But really, I don’t think such an ordinance will be able to stand up in court. Such things never do.

Unsurprisingly, the article says that the ordinance doesn’t stipulate a penalty for landlords who fail to comply in checking out the licenses. Isn’t this like the raids, going after the little people instead of the ones who hire them. In this case, the people who allow them to have a residency.

Apparently the people are ’sick and tired’ on the lax immigration laws or the lack of action on the part of the federal government. Really, these people are sick and tired of what all the nativist are tired of, seeing people who are brown and therefore not liking them.

I’m sick and tired of all of this. Sick and tired of being considered a burden and a criminal. It depresses me the level of hate that people have toward me when they haven’t even met me. Or try to meet me.

This is a quote from the article from the Omaha World Herald, all credit goes to them, describing the racial stereotypes.

Angel Freytez, commission spokesman, said some opponents of the ban left the meeting early because they felt there was inadequate security. One opponent of the ordinance later broke into tears because of the “hateful” statements, said Freytez, who called the behavior at the meeting “shameful.”

“Instead of raising the level of dialogue over the immigration issue,” Freytez said, “they are degrading it.”

Pflanz, the Appleseed attorney, said some people in the audience of Latino and Asian descent overheard remarks aimed at them: “There’s an illegal. There’s an illegal.”

An illegal. An illegal. It goes on and on, doesn’t it? I’m tired of it. I’m tired of waking up and being on the same situation, I’m tired of just everything. How long can this mess continue, and even I don’t think I can last that long. Is it going to be until 2010? I don’t know, so many questions with no answers, yet. Banish? Cockroaches? And more, how long can this continue?

Read the rest of the article over the crap that is happening in Nebraska right here.

Writing Quotes

These are some quotes I found interesting. Slow Saturday…

‘You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you’ve got something to say.’

F Scott Fitzgerald

‘Writing is more than anything a compulsion, like some people wash their hands thirty times a day for fear of awful consequences if they do not. It pays a whole lot better than this type of compulsion, but it is no more heroic.’

Julie Burchill

‘Coleridge was a drug addict.  Poe was an alcoholic. Marlowe was stabbed by a man whom he was treacherously trying to stab. Pope took money to keep a woman’s name out of a satire; then wrote a piece so that she could still be recognized anyhow. Chatterton killed himself. Byron was accused of incest. Do you still want to be a writer -and if so, why?

Bennett Cerf, co-founder of Random House

‘Without me the literary industry would not exist: the publishers, the agents, the sub-agents, the sub-sub agents, the accountants, the libel lawyers, the departments of literature, the professors, the theses, the books of criticism, the reviewers, the book pages - all this vast and proliferating edifice is because of this small, patronised, put-down and underpaid person.’

Doris Lessing’s writers’ manifesto, courtesy of Rosemary Friedman in Writers’ Forum

Every novel is an attempt to capture time, to weave something solid out of air.  The author knows it is an impossible task - that is why he keeps on trying.’

David Beaty

What Drives Us?

I asked that question today. What drives me to have this little blog? I don’t know. I don’t know why some of us blog and speak out, while others live on with their lives. Is it fear? I’m afraid. I’m afraid everyday. Now more than in anytime before. Fear doesn’t go away, it is always there. Is it the paranoia? I almost took down this blog because of it, but I guess it wasn’t enough for me to do it.

Why? I have very little to gain and everything to lose. Always. And a lot of the comments tend to be from antis who are trying to tell me I’m wrong. They’ll never convince me so I don’t know why they try.

So, I’m still undocumented. My blogging for months now hasn’t changed that. Now though, it is time to look at the future. Law School. Graduate school. LSATs. Life is about to get harder than ever before, and it is time to live up to the expectations I and other have made.

I don’t know, I’m ranting tonight. Sorry, nothing with much substance. I’m fine. Spending time with my girlfriend which is awesome. I feel slightly guilty because I’m distracting her, she is taking summer school classes. I enjoy my time here though, time with her and on campus. I was able to help out a professor of mine in a Spanish class, it was fun. Can’t wait to get back to school though, things to do, people to see, things to make right. I hope anyone who reads this is well tonight and this entire weekend. If you have an answer to the question though, please, comment.

E3 is coming up so I’ll be posting more about video games than usual. I know this is an immigration blog so forgive me in advance. It is E3 though…

MG

Different Seasons: Quotes

In one of my past posts I wrote about how I liked the book Different Seasons by Stephen King which has 4 novellas. Well, here are some quotes that I liked from the novellas.

“The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.” The Body. As a writer, I can vouch for that.

“Speech destroys the functions of love, I think–that’s a hell of thing for a writer to say, I guess, but I believe it to be true. If you speak to tell a deer that you mean no harm, it glides away with a single flip of its tail. The word is the harm. Love isn’t what these assholes poets like McKuen want you to think it is. Love has teeth, they bite; the wounds never close. No word, no combination of words, can close those lovebites. It’s the other way around, that’s the joke. If those wounds dry up, the words die with them. Take it from me, I’ve made my life from the words, and I know that is so.” The Body.

“There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.” The Breathing Method.

Putting your money where your mouth is

What the professors have done is wonderful and expected. No matter what the anti-immigrant people say, the education system likes us. Why? Because we are students, kids who didn’t have a choice in coming here. All the educators that I’ve met sympathise with my situation.

These professors though, they put their money where their mouths are and helped out the students themselves and stood up for what they believe are the correct ideals. Educate everyone. These type of news make me happy, because it shows that people care. Well, intrinsically I know that people care but its hard to know that sometimes when I feel surrounded by the other side in the Internet.

I think what is done in California is great and I hope others follow it. I know I don’t need it, but a lot of people are not as lucky as me in regards of getting full-ride scholarships.

Read the following articles, here and here, to know more about the Opportunity Scholarship.